Next!

What is this?! Its 10:30PM and I am eating gluten free spaghetti with my homemade spaghetti sauce. I am really happy. Its raining outside with high winds and I am watching an old episode of Oprah when she had the author of "Eat, Pray, Love" on. I have seen this episode before, yet something stuck a chord with me this time.

At the end of the episode Elizabeth (the author of the book) talks about 3 things you can do to make your life richer and to make you more happy. "Ask yourself in the morning: 'what do I really, really, really, really want?!'" She later said "Whats your mantra? What do you tell yourself a lot? If you tell yourself you are an idiot over and over again, then you will absolutely be it. Change your mantra." Then she asks "what makes you happy?"

Above my desk, which I am writing from now, is a white bulletin board that I write what I am doing each week and things to not forget, quotes, etc. I have two things from the Oprah show that I have on my board: "Forgiveness is letting go of the hope that the past could be changed" and "change your mantra."

So what makes me happy? Eating spaghetti at 10:30 at night and not worrying about my weight, just the way it tastes and the way I feel eating it. The sauce reminds me of my grandmothers homemade sauce I grew up with. It reminds me of my sister who taught me how to make it. These things make me happy.

Other things that make me happy?
Music, especially the kind you can dance to
Hugs from my kids
Really great movies (The Color Purple or Slumdog Millionaire)
Beautiful art
Writing... even though I have the worst grammar and spelling! I have always enjoyed writing.
Playing games with friends
The Sun hitting my face as I close my eyes
Going to the Temple

Its funny how you could have had the worst day, and it changes at 10:30 at night.

I almost forgot! Elizabeth said to keep a journal of the best part of each day. Today, eating my spaghetti was definitely it!

Confession

I may regret this a bit, however, I feel like it needs to be said... somewhere.

I'm pretty open about the fact that I have struggled with depression my whole life. Living in Washington can be hard at time. Today, okay truthfully this whole last month, has been extremely difficult. Holidays just aren't the same without your family. I miss my silly sister who always makes me laugh. I miss my little brother. My dads giant hugs and feeling secure under his arm. I miss the sweetness of my step-mom, Dovey. I miss laughing and playing games with my mom. I miss traditions with my family. The weather has been so great, so I haven't had much more to be upset about. The last couple days have been gloomy and I have been so depressed. Like, to the point of not wanting to get out of bed.

Sometimes depression can take you over like a cold. You cant shake it no matter how hard you try. I like to think of myself as being very optimistic. I always try and find the positive in a situation, but this week I have wanted to pull the cover over my head and not deal with anything or anyone. The one thing I want is to hold Luke and love him, and he's been so active and hasn't wanted me to hold him. The happiest I have been was Christmas morning seeing my kids faces when they open their gifts.

I am praying for a miracle. I am hoping something can shake me out of this. There are days I wish I could go to a mental hospital and just stay there until I feel better. And I realize I have so much to be grateful for, but I feel so blind, like I cant see anything in front of me.

Christmas Morning

Christmas 2011 was wonderful. Everyone was/is happy.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o0I9Sb7O6eQ

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rLrdQzpblGU

Luke's Christmas Program

Luke just had his first Christmas Program at school. He was a raccoon (which is ironic because he hates raccoon and has bad dreams about them). He sang songs so well and even signed them!!! This came as a surprise to us since he told us that eh didnt know what he was doing.

He is in a grey and red striped shirt on the left hand side, right above teacher Kodi on the floor.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aEcKDg8U89E

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hUV1YxnK12Y

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oVTeOBy8Tn4

And here is Luke drumming. He LOVES drumming and playing guitar! He does this hilarious head shake move that he must have picked up from some music videos of something because Rhett and I never taught that to him!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ns_8EzJZCGo

November Roundup

I realized as I was posting tonight that I started to post about Disneyland and California but never actually posted it. I will get around to it. I promise!
Okay, so that being said here are some photos from Thanksgiving and our trip to the Everett Science Center (I think that's the name of it, but I don't remember).

Bowby is not a snuggly dog, except with Rhett. He loves his master.

We all love baby J so much!

Look at those gorgeous baby blues!

Rhett being silly. Whats new!?

Cheeeeeeese!

So Grateful

As most of you know, I have really struggled to connect with Kylee after the age of 3. I think that because we are so much a like we really butt heads a lot. She's defiant and argues with me all the time.
Tonight we went on a mini date to DQ for ice cream cones. She was making me laugh with all the funny things she was saying. I asked her about school and what she likes. "I like math review. Its fun" At one point tonight she told me she ran into a girl from her class at the store. "She's Nicole's best friend." I replied "Do you have a best friend?" She said "No. I am best friends with everyone. It would hurt someones feelings if I only had one best friend." She is so sweet and so wise.
Tonight as she was eating her ice cream, I watched her and saw a real person. Not just a child, but a person. Kylee is kind, thoughtful, caring, funny and smart. I adore her so much, even if she does argue with me 90% of the time.
When Ky comes home from school, she immediately wants to go play with friends. Sometimes no one can play and she gets upset and says she's bored. Tonight I talked to her about this. I told her that when she is bored she should play with her brother. "But he's annoying. He always wants to play in his room." I reply "He may be annoying, but wouldn't it be lonely if you didn't have him for a brother? Wouldn't it be worse if you didn't have a brother or anyone at home to play with?" She thought about it and said "You're right. I should play with him. I can teach him how to play barbies and color in the lines. " Proud mother RIGHT HERE!
Finally, as I was driving home from our date, she said "I love you so much that I will never stop saying it." I sure hope that's true.
I learned tonight that I am actually enjoying her getting older. I really couldn't be more proud of her! Not to mention, her teacher told me she's one of the top readers in her class. She said Kylee is a beautiful singer and is always so nice to everyone. How did I get so blessed?!